Why am I in such agony?

Dear girl...the first thing you need to do in this situation is be totally honest with yourself.Only by being honest with yourself can you then be honest with those around you. It is your 'pretending' to be someone you are not, that is causing you the most pain.Sit down and be honest with yourself as to what you want and need from a relationship and that is what you must aim for. "Trying to convince yourself this all you can have ' is just self destructive.You are saying one thing and feeling another...how awful for you.A good relationship should make you feel happy, contented ,secure and nurtured as well as emotionally and ually fulfilled.If it is causing you 'agony' then the question is why are you hurting yourself this way?A lot of what you are feeling is the aftermath from your marriage and your feelings will settle in time. However, after you have worked out what you deserve, you should tell this new man who you are and that you need more than a once a week contact..You don`t necessarily have to go from part time relationship to marriage expectations,that is going from one extreme to the other.At the moment it sounds like you need a warm supportive relationship and you need a man who spends more time with you..You must tell the man this,and see what his answer is. If he refuse then you, for your own mental and physical health should let him go..Never be afraid to let anyone know who you really are,if they can`t accept that you don`t want them in your life. Be your own girl. I wish you happiness